“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’” demetri martin
“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants – uh oh. Bathing suit – okay. Naked – we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?” demetri martin
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’” demetri martin
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.” demetri martin
“I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’” demetri martin
Hiking is just walking where it’s ok to pee. Sometimes, old people hike by mistake. demetri martin
I like the game rock paper scissors but 2/3rds. Like Rock beats Scissors. Oh man, these scissors are all bent I cant cut with them, you win. Or Scissors beats Paper. This paper is cut into strips it’s useless I cant write on it, you win. Then, Paper beats Rock….Rock is fine! There is no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper whenever it wants. Paper sucks. It should be Rock, Explosives with a cuttable wick, Scissors. demetri martin